Reflections and Projections

2011 was an eventful year for me.  It was my first full year back from Tokyo, where events in March reminded me that timing is everything…and that Earth > man.  My transition back into American life was seamless, as evidenced by my willingness to spend money on stupid things and eat lots of meat.  That was until about November, when viewings of various documentaries convinced me that eating meat actually is kinda gross, and a reading of Steve Jobs’ life reminded me that less can indeed be more.  Who knows whether I’ll stick with it but the early results look promising.

I earned an MBA and ran a marathon during the year, which I think officially qualifies me as an A-type personality.  This puts me in rarefied air since 3% of the U.S. population has an MBA and 1% has run a marathon.  According to my calculations, that makes me one of sixteen people in the country to have done both, which proves that I’m both unique and good at imaginary math.  Both accomplishments involved discipline and constant reminders that it would all be worth it in the end.  Conventional wisdom suggests that I should be smarter and fitter as a result.  Instead, I feel broker and more broken.  These are the practical outcomes of actually paying for an MBA and running hundreds of miles over the course of a few months.  Having people assume that you’re smart is expensive.  And pounding your joints for miles on end is painful.  Would I ever do both again?  No.  Am I glad I did them?  Yes.  Does that make me a walking contradiction?  Perhaps.  Is my beard itching me as I write this?  You betcha.

On balance, I’d characterize 2011 as a generally good year.  Sure, my investment portfolio succumbed to the gyrations of a schizophrenic market, my head ceded more space to my scalp, and poor Kim Kardashian lost love as quickly as she found it.  But a year that sees Muammar Gaddafi take one in the pooper just prior to his expiration and Osama bin Laden get double-tapped by our nation’s finest is good by me.  This happiness was, of course, lessened by the deaths of the incomparable Christopher Hitchens and Steve Jobs.  And the fact that Kim Jong Il was felled by a heart attack in his sleep – when he should’ve met an end more horrific than Gaddafi’s, were justice to prevail – was disappointing.  But as the Cowboys prove, you can’t win ‘em all (or most of ‘em, for that matter).

I don’t much like New Year’s resolutions since they usually focus on bettering our lesser selves.  This involves acknowledgement of imperfection and weakness, which is never fun and not entirely relevant given that I am without fault in all respects.  But trying to be better is a dandy enough exercise – and making lists is fun – so let’s have at it.  Onward and upward, I shall endeavor to do the following in 2012:

  1. Use my iPhone more for tracking my fantasy teams than for checking work email.
  2. Finally finish a book written by Jonathan Franzen (we’ll leave David Foster Wallace for a more ambitious time).
  3. Drink less alcohol.
  4. Blog more, especially when drinking alcohol.
  5. Lessen my news consumption so as to increase my love of country.
  6. Learn to appreciate the joy of quiet (as Pico Iyer so eloquently explained in a recent OpEd, “…it’s only by having some distance from the world that you can see it whole, and understand what you should be doing with it”).
  7. Enjoy my Fall weekends more.  In other words, watch less of the Irish on Saturdays and the Cowboys on Sundays.
  8. Read more of the books that are already on my bookshelf rather than adding to them with new purchases.
  9. Finally return that voicemail that Warren Buffett left me.
  10. Write a book.  It will be about stuff.  I think you’ll like it.

Slice Of Awesome

Indiana’s last second game winner against Kentucky this past weekend, set to the music of “Hoosiers”.  Brilliant.

On Marathons, the World Series, the Ritz-Carlton, Steve Jobs, and Drive

These past few weeks have been pretty hectic. A marathon, a heartbreaking World Series, three weeks of overseas travel, and general holiday malaise combined with downright laziness to help explain Eddyfication’s slumber. However, I’ve been itching to get back on the blogging horse for too long and a recent movie viewing spurred me to finally re-engage. Before I go into that, a couple of events deserve recounting.

First, this year’s Chicago Marathon. Despite coming down with a nasty cold two days prior, I managed to finish in 3 hours and 50 minutes, which was 20 minutes off my target pace. It was good enough to place me in the 18th percentile among all runners and 24th percentile among my cohort (males in their early 30′s). I coughed up my fair share of mucous along the way but it was the final 4-5 miles that really crushed me.  Apparently, those salt pills that I scoffed at were recommended for a reason, as the twelve pounds of banana that I consumed along the way didn’t do enough to ward off some pretty killer cramps during the home stretch.  I had to pull over to stretch away a spasm probably 15-20x during the last several miles.  And I’m pretty sure I ran the final two miles without ever actually bending my right leg for fear of inviting yet another bout of jaw-clenching misery.  But for the fact that I was surrounded by similarly-situated maniacs also on the verge of total collapse, I would’ve worried that I looked like a complete imbecile as I made my way towards the finish.  And serving as a testament to the human body’s potential, I somehow managed to sprint the final 400 meters (or at least that’s what it felt like I was doing).  As I was gliding to the finish, I was passed by another runner whose own burst of energy quite clearly surpassed my own.  However, the poor guy stumbled exhaustedly as he crossed the finish line, clumsily trying to grab anything around him for support as he collapsed in a tired heap.  Luckily, I mustered a semi-normal fist pump as I crossed the finish line and have managed to convince myself that I appeared none the worse for wear.  As if I needed reminding that the human body isn’t built for such feats, being surrounded at the finish station by a sea of EMTs and horizontal bodies either writhing in agony or completely catatonic provided a quick reality check.  Us humans are simply not meant to run 26.2 miles nonstop; therefore, not only was this my first marathon but it will also mark my last.  My bucket list has been checked.  Moving on.

Second, I got to suffer through yet another World Series loss for my hometown Texas Rangers.  At least last year the Rangers were pretty much out of it from the start against the Giants.  This year, however, we were literally one out away from a championship not once but twice and still couldn’t pull it off in the end.  I knew right when Freese performed his Game 6 heroics that the Rangers didn’t stand a chance in Game 7.  It was the type of momentum swing that doomed infamous Game 6′s of yesteryear, including the Boston Red Sox in 1986 (Billy Buckner) and the Chicago Cubs in 2003 (Steve Bartman).  I just knew the Rangers would fall flat in Game 7.  And sure enough they did.  While it’s certainly quite the accomplishment to make it to the World Series in back-to-back years, losing both times dulls the magnitude of such a feat.  I’m afraid I’m stuck with teams (like the Fighting Irish and Dallas Cowboys) that simply lack the fortitude to win consistently, especially when winning calls for showing up big in big games and making plays in crunch time.  Now excuse me while I take a break from my armchair complaining to grab another beer.

By the way, I attended Game 2 of the Series, which was pretty damn cool.  I drove down to St. Louis from Chicago with my little brother, a trip that helped me appreciate the dangers that lie hidden in the “ultimate driving experience”.  Not accustomed to opening my car up on the open road, I routinely eclipsed 100 mph without even noticing it.  (This is where the smooth driving experience that the Germans manufacture can very well spell doom.)  We stayed at the Hyatt Regency St. Louis, which is located right next to the Gateway Arch and a mere ten-minute walk from Busch Stadium.  The stadium was quite nice, a decent mix of new and old that managed to retain its classic feel.  The game itself was a defensive struggle, a nail-biter that saw the Rangers pull one out with some scrappy play in the 9th inning, providing me with the unique opportunity to annoyingly cheer on my winning team while surrounded by a sea of enemies.  Among the observations to be made during the game was the unexpected civility of the crowd, which took me by surprise until I reminded myself that we were at the World Friggin’ Series, where price discrimination self-selects a certain type of obedience among those with the means to actually attend the game in person.

Third, my travels out East were mostly par for the course.  Hong Kong was its usual hyper-consumptive and buzzy self, and my first visit to Tokyo was met with equal parts nostalgia and melancholy.  It was great to see old buds and reminisce by visiting some of our old spots.  But it was strange to be there without the full crew of friends and family.  And though Tokyo remains an awesome city with unmistakable style, I detected a sense of loss that pervaded everything around me.  Maybe it was the distinct lack of expat sightings and/or the disappearance of certain standbys (our grocery store, our Citibank ATM, etc.).  Whatever it was, something felt off.  That said, Tokyo remains as incomparable as ever.  It was great to be back and I look forward to my eventual return.

A couple of things stand out about my trip.  First, thanks to certain discounts, I had the occasion to stay at the new Ritz-Carlton Hong Kong (across the harbour in Kowloon) as well as the Ritz-Carlton Tokyo.  Having spent a solid three weeks in these hotels, I can solidly proclaim that I hate the Ritz-Carlton.  I’m guessing this only applies to the international variety, as the Ritz-Carlton Laguna Niguel is among my sentimental favorites.  But the Hong Kong and Tokyo versions are disappointing on multiple levels.  In Hong Kong, for example, you’ve got over-the-top kitschy in terms of decor and the software doesn’t match the hardware (i.e., the service offers nowhere near the polish of the structure itself).  Plus, the hotel managed to completely botch the distinction of having Asia’s highest bar (Ozone on the 118th floor), with views of Central obscured by thick plexiglass and other random objects.  The Tokyo version is exquisite in its service, location, and overall touch, but the style and ambiance don’t mesh with my own sensitivities.  It feels old and stuffy.  The lounge might very well be the most boring one in Asia and the fact that they charge $30 for admission (an invitation to complete and utter boredom) is criminal.  The place has zero vibe and the restaurants offer the unfortunate combination of mediocre taste and stratospheric expense.  It’s basically the anti-Grand Hyatt, which is just a few blocks away and worlds better in virtually every respect.

Second, I got to pass the time alone on weekends and on various bullet trains by absorbing Walter Isaacson’s biography on Steve Jobs.  At over 600 pages, it’s a rather long read but one befitting its subject.  Jobs was the foremost innovator of his generation and our world will miss his vision with a vengeance, a reality made clearer by digesting Jobs’ story.  Though good on balance, the book itself was slightly disappointing.  Isaacson glossed over a lot of competitive strategy dynamics that I would’ve like to see pursued and the work’s second half had a rushed feel to it.  That said, I still gained plenty of insight into the man and his company, enough to warrant my reading of the book a worthy pursuit.  Among the things I learned: 1) Like many geniuses, Jobs was a difficult man and tortured soul whose treatment of those around him ranged from disdain to infatuation to disinterest; 2) Jobs’ genius lay not as much in his technical know-how as in his vision for what consumers wanted before they even knew it; 3) Extreme attention to detail and slight-to-moderate levels of OCD can sometimes be a good thing for one’s professional life; 4) Jobs led a life full of contradictions, especially as it related to his Eastern spirituality and many mood swings, which made me feel better about my own inconsistencies; and 5) Jobs’ vision was all-encompassing, making him a sight to behold and a visionary in the truest sense of the word, which did a wonderful job of reminding me of my own mediocrity.  In slightly related news, I actually found myself seated near Walter Isaacson while waiting in the United Airlines lounge at Narita Airport.  He was literally sitting fifteen feet away from me, so close that I could actually hear his conversation with two Japanese colleagues.  While I contemplated saying hello, I chose instead to give the man his space (especially since I didn’t really love his book!).  What I found most surprising was the fact that he was spotted without an Apple product in sight, choosing instead to use a Blackberry and a Dell laptop.  As I tweeted upon the sighting, it was as if some sort of cosmic injustice had occurred.

Unfortunately, the journey home ended up being an eventful one, which is never a good way to describe a transcontinental flight.  Luckily, the events had more to do with the passengers than the plane itself, which is very much a good thing.  Being seated in the upper deck of a 747, I heard the overwrought grumbling of a passenger making his way up the stairs as we took to our seats upon boarding.  As he emerged from the stairs and made the turn down the aisle, I caught a solid glimpse of a man overburdened by three large carry-on bags and overcome by the effects of alcohol.  Hammered is an understatement when it comes to describing this man’s condition.  As he stumbled to his seat, flight attendants were scurrying about in an effort to assist the man with his overall situation as well as determine whether or not he was flight-worthy (wondering: what’s the air equivalent of sea legs?).  It just so happened that this winner was traveling with his wife, who I overheard claiming to be a medical doctor traveling with a husband under the influence of a sedative and “not a lick” of alcohol.  Sure thing.  The airline authorities took her story hook-line-and-sinker while the rest of us knowingly rolled our eyes at each other, assuming the worst was yet to come.  Sure as shit, just as our bird began her ascent, an awful stench slowly began to permeate the upper deck cabin and the air soon wreaked of puke.  This elicited at least one gag reflex moment from yours truly, prompting me to surf the plane’s movie selection with my shirt pulled above my nose.  Once the seatbelt sign was turned off, there was plenty of fumbling among the cabin crew and the passed-out misfit’s wife as they attempted to clean him up with plastic bags that I assume were made for the occasion.  The smell eventually abated only to be punctuated by two more puking sessions before we landed.  And I forgot to note that the guy was seated directly behind me.  This led me to a new rule: Anyone puking on a flight for reasons demonstrably attributable to alcohol should be forced to pay a $100 fine to each of the surrounding passengers within a 20-foot radius.  The airline shouldn’t take the blame as it’s quite clearly not to blame for the doofusness of its own passengers.  But the buffoon infringing on the experience of others should absolutely be penalized.

Of course, I got the chance to watch a number of films during my flights and lazy days at home.  What follows below is a breakdown of those movies, listed in no particular order:

  1. Horrible Bosses: Mostly mediocre but kinda fun. Jason Bateman was great as usual and Jennifer Aniston demonstrated some naughtiness that was pretty awesome but that dude from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia annoyed the hell out of me.
  2. Bridesmaids: Pretty funny but just OK.  Kristen Wiig was great as was Jon Hamm and Melissa McCarthy.  But I thought the whole premise was overblown.
  3. Life in a Day: A wonderfully-edited compilation of user-submitted videos from a random day in July 2010.  Beautifully original and genuine.  Produced by Ridley Scott.
  4. The Hangover Part II: Standard, mostly predictable fun that was surprisingly lame in spots.  Yet it was enjoyable all the same.  For whatever reason, I found Zach Galifianakis much funnier this time around.
  5. The Tree of Life: Brad Pitt and Sean Penn starred in this Terrence Malick production, so I figured it had to be halfway decent.  Instead, I forced myself to sit through two hours of total cluelessness (easier to do when you’re on a 15-hour flight).  I’m told Malick is a directorial genius but it’s totally lost on me.  Complete and utter WTF confusion on my part.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  A Seth Macfarlane tweet summed the film up perfectly: “My brother died. Plus, dinosaurs.”
  6. Forks Over Knives: Interesting material but poorly executed.  Still did enough to continue pushing me in the direction of a plant-based diet.
  7. Margin Call: Yet another attempt to explain the financial crisis of 2008 but this time with an impressive ensemble cast and a more informed script than most.  I liked this better than I thought I would (even though jetlag had me drifting in and out).  More even-handed than I expected and it did a particularly good job at humanizing the “other” side of the crisis (that of Wall Street).
  8. Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop: This documentary follows Conan O’Brien during his NBC-imposed one-year moratorium from television.  O’Brien’s forced time off spawned his Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television Tour, a traveling comedy show that made stops in 30 cities.  Being a fan of Conan, I generally enjoyed the peek behind the curtain.  However, loyal readers know that I was none too pleased with his behavior during the NBC ordeal, so I was only able to enjoy this movie so much.

The final movie that I’ll highlight is Drive.  Starring Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan, it’s the story of an unnamed mechanic/stunt car driver/getaway car driver who is a man of few words.  He befriends a neighbor who is a single mother (the husband is in jail) and who also happens to be of few words.  Naturally, they’re surrounded by people who are of many words and therefore seem less wholesome than they.  I spent the first part of the movie absorbing the blows of boring, predictable cheesiness because: 1) it had a Tarantinoesque art house feel to it; and 2) I knew the tone would eventually turn on a dime (thanks to some light reading on the movie beforehand).  Sure enough, it did.  And as I reflect on the film I realize more and more that I really liked it.  This will no doubt make those who watched it with me roll their eyes (I think I’m quoting Lizzi here when I say it was one of the worst movies she’s ever seen).  But the further I get away from it, the more the movie resonates.  The film’s Danish director, Nicolas Winding Refn, won Best Director honors at Cannes and even received a standing ovation, which I’m left to assume is a rare treat that must mean it was a good piece of work (granted, Cannes also gave the famed Palme d’Or to The Tree of Life, so there goes that theory).  In any event, this is one of those movies that leaves its mark in indescribable ways.  In terms of texture, style, and music, it felt to me like a weird combination of Grindhouse, Requiem for a Dream, and Punch Drunk Love.  I won’t be able to do the movie justice, so I’ll lean instead on the expertise of A.O. Scott of the NY Times, who describes Drive as the “coolest movie around”, and Peter Travers of Rolling Stone, who had this to say:

Buckle up for the existential bloodbath of Drive, a brilliant piece of nasty business that races on a B-movie track until it switches to the dizzying fuel of undiluted creativity. Damn, it’s good. You can get buzzed just from the fumes coming off this wild thing.

To wrap things up, I’ll leave you with the movie’s signature song, A Real Hero by College, which is perfect for the film as it’s as haunting as it is catchy.

Occupy Herbstreit

Stumbled upon a great little photo collection called Occupy Herbstreit today.  It chronicles the work of a guy who has jokingly infiltrated the Occupy Wall Street protests with his own signs that bring college football into the mix.  (Note: Kirk Herbstreit is a well-known college football analyst for ESPN).  Good stuff.

Time To Get My Run On

So tomorrow’s the big day.  Months of training culminate in one final, early morning run.  This time, of course, I’ll be joined by 45,000 other runners and cheered on by thousands of onlookers.  Should be a good time, save for the fact that I came down with a cold on Friday and have spent the entire day today coughing, sneezing, and discharging massive amounts of mucus.  My goal of 3.5 hours will likely be unattainable given the phlegm in my chest and the pounding in my head.  But the goal of simply finishing will be just fine by me.

Anyone wishing to track my progress is invited to sign up for updates that allow you to track me online or by your cell phone.  For reference, my bib number is: 47889.  And for those of you who plan to attend the actual event, I’ll be the dude rocking the shirt below.




On The Grinds Of Travel And The Delights Of Home

Having spent the better part of three weeks on the road (in London, Hong Kong, and Singapore), I returned yesterday to the delights of home.  My journey home from Singapore followed a great Friday night out with friends that included dinner at Luke’s Oyster Bar and Chop House and drinks at some bar on Club Street whose primary differentiating feature was a wall full of random mix tapes.  After toying with the notion of playing through until my 4 AM departure for the airport, I decided instead to head back to the hotel for a power nap at around 1 AM.  I awoke at 3:30 AM to groggily begin my 20+ hour journey home.

After being asked to show my boarding pass on (literally) six different occasions while making my way to the gate at Changi, our United 747 pushed back at 6 AM and we were touching down in Hong Kong for our connection to Chicago about 3.5 hours of interrupted sleep later (being seated next to the galley is the kiss of death for the road-weary traveler).  Our layover was theoretically scheduled for a very manageable two hours.  However, once we boarded, we found ourselves sitting at the gate well past our scheduled push-back time.  Turns out the flight was being held up for a connecting passenger.  I can understand why this should happen (putting myself in the shoes of that wayward traveler); however, as our delay worked on the one-hour mark, I became rather perturbed.  If we were waiting for a group of travelers, that’s one thing.  But the announcements made it sound like we were being held up for just one person.  I looked it up and this particular flight (on a Boeing 747-400) had a seating capacity of 374.  And since this was a sold out flight, 373 eager passengers – many of whom were due to connect to myriad flights of their own upon reaching Chicago – were being held up by just one individual.  I’m not sure how these decisions are made by the airlines – and I appreciate the difficulty of managing such complex systems – but this particular practice could surely use a revisit.  Especially since the passenger in question never even arrived, causing our flight to be further delayed as the person’s bags were removed!

Once airborne, I used the 14.5 hour flight to take in a movie (the predictably mediocre Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides), sleep intermittently for about eight hours (this flight was an especially bumpy one), read Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (which provided motivation for my upcoming marathon as well as fuel my dreams of becoming a writer someday), and watch a couple episodes of MTV’s Challenge: Rivals (one of the greatest reality franchises around).  I finally arrived in Chicago around 3 PM on Saturday and was greeted by my two ladies who happily drove me home with the moonroof open on a gorgeous Fall day.  Once home, I flirted with the idea of a run only to succumb to the comforts of the man cave, where I happily took in a much-need Irish victory over Michigan State.  I then caught up on Curb Your Enthusiasm (this season is superb) before drifting off to sleep to the sounds of the Florida State-Oklahoma game.  Bliss.

I awoke this morning around 6 AM to the beeping of our carbon monoxide alarm (no worries, just a unit error), which was fine since I’m jet-lagged anyway.  I relaxed with a coffee, bagel, the news, and Sportscenter before nailing a 13-miler at a 7 minute 37 second per mile clip.  These past few weeks have surely set my training back.  But the clip on this morning’s run was my second-best and I felt pretty good doing it, so I have no idea what to make of anything when it comes to all this training stuff.

I just watched Manchester United lay waste to Chelsea (thanks in large part to some monumental brain farts by Fernando Torres).  And now I’ll saddle up with a collection of newspapers and magazines that have piled up in my absence while watching the Bears game.  Following that, I’ll saunter on down to the Houndstooth Saloon, which is a mere two blocks away and just so happens to be a Dallas Cowboys bar.  While I typically don’t advocate day-drinking or drinking on Sundays, I will make an exception today because it just feels like the right thing to do.  Ah, the delights of being home!

Go Irish!

Amidst the maelstrom of life, I’m grateful for the momentary solace provided by those golden helmets that will grace Notre Dame Stadium this afternoon.  The below video is one of the better pump productions that I’ve seen, notwithstanding the fact that the music isn’t my cup of tea.

Dominate, Annihilate, Assassinate

I plan to emulate this admirable effort in advance of the Irish season opener next week.

Jock Sniffer

The Urban Dictionary defines a jock sniffer as a person who hangs around professional and/or amateur athletes and showers them with money and gifts in order to ingratiate themselves and elevate their own sense of worth.  Nevin Shapiro (pictured above with Kellen Winslow, Jr.) is the quintessential real-life illustration of such douchebaggery.  Currently imprisoned for masterminding a $930 million Ponzi scheme, Shapiro’s exploits as a crooked booster of the Miami Hurricanes were recently detailed in an excellent piece of investigative journalism over at Yahoo Sports.

In 100 hours of jailhouse interviews during Yahoo! Sports’ 11-month investigation, Hurricanes booster Nevin Shapiro described a sustained, eight-year run of rampant NCAA rule-breaking, some of it with the knowledge or direct participation of at least seven coaches from the Miami football and basketball programs. At a cost that Shapiro estimates in the millions of dollars, he said his benefits to athletes included but were not limited to cash, prostitutes, entertainment in his multimillion-dollar homes and yacht, paid trips to high-end restaurants and nightclubs, jewelry, bounties for on-field play (including bounties for injuring opposing players), travel and, on one occasion, an abortion.

While I’ve got no love for wayward Hurricane athletes, Shapiro deserves the lion’s share of the blame in this fiasco and his spot in the scumbag hall of fame is a well-earned one.

Good Stuff From Today’s NY Times

On the power of suggestion:

The old gimmick — buy one, get one free — has been expanded to include some pricing equations worthy of Isaac Newton, or at least of middle-school math class. Using buying patterns detected from loyalty cards, receipts and other research, grocery chains are searching for the multiples sweet spot…Grocery stores have always offered deals, of course. But grocery chain executives say that in this economy, with people visiting stores less frequently, spending less per trip and sticking to their shopping lists more closely, the competition to offer compelling deals is stronger than ever.

On FIFA, one of the world’s most corrupt governing bodies:

The titans of international soccer are used to pampering. Motorcades. Police escorts. Five-star hotels. Lavish dinners. Cash allowances of $500 a day, and an additional $250 for their wives or girlfriends.  The 24 members of the executive committee of FIFA — the association that governs the global game and organizes the World Cup — form an elite all-men’s club, reaping annual salaries and bonuses of up to $300,000 in addition to their various perks. For that, they are asked to do little more than show up for a few private meetings each year to discuss rules, sanctions and legal issues and, most important, to eventually vote on which country will host the quadrennial championship.

On how economists are just as useless as politicians in the current debt ceiling debate:

Economists agree that federal borrowing must be reduced, but they do not agree about the proper mix of tax increases and spending cuts. Basic considerations, like the impact of higher taxes on saving and investment, remain the subjects of wide-ranging disagreements despite decades of intensive research…Washington no longer suffers from a dearth of “one-handed” economists, as Harry S. Truman famously lamented. The problem now is that experts are lined up behind every political position, in part because the decisions are not purely economic. The value of defense or education or justice extends beyond dollars and cents.

The Fighting Americans

That good old American fighting spirit was on full display today at the Women’s World Cup in Dresden, Germany.  Despite being up against it, our ladies reached deep down and pulled off a stunning victory over a talented Brazilian squad that hadn’t lost in two years.  The U.S. played a woman down for more than half the game, which basically meant they were down two players given some horrendous referees whose many errors were quite clearly made to our detriment.  Nonetheless, the Americans snatched victory from the jaws of defeat thanks to some (extremely) late minute heroics and steely nerves in the shootout.

This win was made sweeter by the fact that we overcame such terrible officiating, which results in a loss 99.9% of the time when combined with a very skilled opponent (according to our extensive in-house research).  And when I say skilled I mean it in both the soccer as well as acting sense.  Indeed, some of the Brazilians (e.g., Marta) mistook today’s game as a diving competition, which always roils me as a lifelong soccer fan.  Speaking of Marta, she did well in alienating the crowd, evidenced by the parade of whistles and jeers that greeted her each time she touched the ball.  Her unprofessional antics (did anyone notice the how she slapped her right arm in the “fuck you” manner after her second goal?) brought about the miracle of all sporting miracles:  They caused a stadium in a foreign land to cheer overwhelmingly in favor of the U.S. in a world soccer competition.  And they were playing Brazil of all countries, who is everyone’s second favorite team after their own in such competitions.

Well done, ladies.  This is the sound of me clapping.

Fore!

So here I am hacking my way through the beautiful Farmlinks Golf Club in Birmingham, Alabama.  This is from the picturesque hole 17, which afforded us a nice little audience that can be spotted on the balcony off in the distance.  Those watching were witness to one of the worst shots in the history of this hole, one that veered 75 degrees to the right before setting straight vertical on its way into the sink.  My travails along the Robert Trent Jones golf trail were comical, prompting one of those present to forward me a New Yorker piece written by Larry David that captures nicely the game’s frustrating qualities.  Likening his own relationship with the sport to the five stages of grief, I can immediately identify with the fifth (and final) level: Acceptance.

Finally, after years of pain and struggle, I had accepted the fact that I would never be a good golfer. No matter how many hours I practiced, no matter how many instructors I saw, how many books and magazines I read, or how many teaching aids I tried. Then it hit me. According to Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s book “On Death and Dying,” Acceptance was the final stage of grief that terminal patients experience before dying, the others being Anger, Denial, Bargaining, and Depression. I was in the final stage! When I started thinking about it, I realized that I’d gone through every one of those stages, but not as a terminal patient . . . as a golfer.

 

Cubs On The Down Low

Lizzi and I took in the Cubs-White Sox game yesterday.  Despite the poor product on display (the Sox are 42-42 and the Cubs are 34-50), we couldn’t pass up free tix to a crosstown scuffle, especially since Wrigley Field is literally a three-block walk from our apartment.  The day was a good one for such an event and fans for both teams were out in full force.  But for the fact that the temperature likely topped out in the low 90′s with humidity somewhere on the order of 250%, I would’ve joined our fellow game-goers in downing eleventeen Old Styles.  Instead, I took the preemptive step of sipping on overpriced Gatorade and water, as I still hadn’t peed since my 9-mile run along the lake that morning (a run that had me wondering on several occasions if anyone would jump in to save me if I fainted and tumbled headfirst into the water).  The preceding sentence makes me sound extremely lame.  And that’s because it’s entirely true.

Anyone who has been to one of these games knows it’s a wonderful chance to people-watch.  A collection of drunk Cubs fans is surely a sight to behold, and how lovely it is to exacerbate the situation with even drunker White Sox fans.  The disparities on display – demographic and otherwise  - were evident to anyone paying remote attention, bringing into sharp focus the North-South divide in this city.  I’ve got to imagine that some enterprising sociologist would have heyday with such a backdrop.  For example, interesting to me was the inverse relationship between the respective sizes of male and female fans for both clubs.  I’d estimate that the average male and female Sox fan is approximately 1.3x the size of their Cubs counterpart, with the majority of that difference being explained by the area around the gut.

As for where I fit in, I suppose I lean Cubs, which stems from some combination of proximity and a sincere distaste for Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.  But the reality is that I don’t really care who wins when these two teams play, evidenced by the ND hat I wore as a testament to my neutrality (betting that Southsiders are well-represented by Irish Catholics and Cubs fans are sympathetic to hard-luck fans of any stripe).

The highlight of the game for me came in the second inning when Cubs outfielder Marlon Byrd made his way to the plate.  Greeted with a round of cheers from the Cubs faithful, Lizzi wondered aloud why he was receiving such a lively reception.  I had no idea at first.  But a quick glance at the scoreboard made mention of Byrd’s hitting streak before his stint on the disabled list.  Referred to in the fan vernacular as the “DL”, the disabled list is a method whereby teams can place injured players on reserve in order to call up healthier players.  It saves a roster spot for the injured player for a period of 15 or 60 days, depending on the severity of the injury, while allowing that spot to be utilized in productive fashion with a healthier alternative.  I ventured a guess to Lizzi that Cubs fans were cheering the fact that Byrd had recently come off of the DL (which turns out to have been correct).  Lizzi responded with a flummoxed, “That guy is on the DL?!”.  ”No”, I said, “He was on the DL but just got off, which must be why the fans are cheering him.  They’re welcoming him back”.  Lizzi sat in wild-eyed wonderment for a moment before asking, “Wait, what’s the DL?”.  After I explained the concept, she burst into laughter before explaining to me the disconnect.
You see, a while back, Lizzi read about a growing practice in the African American community where men were secretly engaging in homosexual activity while leading otherwise heterosexual existences.  Apparently, a lot of this male-on-male action was of the unprotected variety, causing HIV to spread like wildfire not only among African American males but also (sadly) among their oblivious wives and/or girlfriends.  A quick Google search of “down low black men” yields 55 million results (it’s even got its own Wikipedia entry) and the NY Times Magazine ran a fascinating expose on the topic several years back:
Rejecting a gay culture they perceive as white and effeminate, many black men have settled on a new identity, with its own vocabulary and customs and its own name: Down Low. There have always been men — black and white — who have had secret sexual lives with men. But the creation of an organized, underground subculture largely made up of black men who otherwise live straight lives is a phenomenon of the last decade. [These men] are on the Down Low, or on the DL, as they more often call it. Most date or marry women and engage sexually with men they meet only in anonymous settings like bathhouses and parks or through the Internet. Many of these men are young and from the inner city, where they live in a hypermasculine ”thug” culture. Other DL men form romantic relationships with men and may even be peripheral participants in mainstream gay culture, all unknown to their colleagues and families. Most DL men identify themselves not as gay or bisexual but first and foremost as black. To them, as to many blacks, that equates to being inherently masculine.
…[their] behavior has public health implications. A few years ago, the epidemiological data started rolling in, showing increasing numbers of black women who weren’t IV drug users becoming infected with H.I.V. While some were no doubt infected by men who were using drugs, experts say many were most likely infected by men on the Down Low.
So, for a brief moment in time, in the imagination of a young lady who shares a home with the Cubs in Chicago’s Boystown neighborhood, Marlon Byrd was being cheered by Wrigleyville denizens for being known to lead a homosexual double-life.  Which, when you think about it, is a perfectly reasonable conclusion for an amateur sports (un)enthusiast to draw!

Grantland

For those who haven’t heard yet, Bill Simmons (also known as the Sports Guy over at ESPN) created his own website last week.  Named after an American sportswriting legend, Grantland features writing on all things sports and pop culture from a collection of some of my favorite writers.  In addition to Simmons himself, the site’s regular contributors include Chuck Klosterman, Dave Eggers, Malcolm Gladwell and an assemblage of other promising writers whose careers are in the ascendent.  How good is Grantland?  Let’s just say it’s the Dallas Mavericks to Eddyfication’s freshman B-squad.  I can barely make out the screen through my tears of envy, so here’s hoping this post isn’t littered with typos.

Let’s Go Mavs! And Mormons!

Having just returned from a three-week tour of Asia, one of the things I’m most excited about is having a chance to watch my hometown Dallas Mavericks take on the Miami Heat in Game 6 of the NBA Finals.  Up 3-2 in the best of seven series, the Mavs are one game away from not only securing the first championship in team history but also from putting a finger in the eye of the Heat’s big three (Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James).  Anyone who isn’t a sociopath and doesn’t hail from Miami knows why Dallas should (in a normative sense) win this series.  But for those who are a bit slow on the uptake and still need help deciding, ESPN’s Rick Reilly has kindly listed 20 reasons why everyone beyond Miami’s city limits should be pulling for Dallas.  All good reasons, of course, though I quite enjoyed the retort of Miami-based humorist Dave Barry, whose reasons to cheer for the Heat (jokingly) included the “fact” that Dirk Nowitzki pronounces his name wrong.

At the end of the day, this Dallas team is largely comprised of good guys who are due for some love from the basketball gods.  The world would simply be a better place if the likes of Jason Kidd, Tyson Chandler, and Dirk Nowitzki won a ring.  Especially if that achievement came at the expense of a talented but narcissistic Miami Heat squad whose diving antics make me wonder if Cristiano Ronaldo has been hired to lend some of his expertise.  Like Kidd, I really hope the Mavs pull this one off for Nowitzki, who is nearing the end of his run as one of the most unguardable players in NBA history and who comes off as a decent human being.  Plus, if he gets his ring and the inevitable Finals MVP that would come with it, he would overtake Dirk Diggler (of Boogie Nights fame) as the first association with one of the cooler names around.

Naturally, this Mavs squad isn’t without its annoying and/or questionable characters.  For example, DeShawn Stevenson has a lame trademark move where mimics the “OK” sign over his eye each time he drains a three.  And he has over 100 tattoos, one of which is (strangely) a backward Pittsburgh Pirates logo on his right cheek.  (Now, the Yankees I could understand.  But the Pirates?!?).  Then there’s Juan Jose Barea, who is the type of player that annoys everyone who isn’t a member or fan of his team (something a quick call to Andrew Bynum would confirm).  Such enmity is exacerbated by the fact that the lucky bastard is dating Miss Universe 2006.  And who could forget the gargantuan ego that is Mark Cuban, who is to sports team owners what Donald Trump is to real estate developers (though his silence during this year’s playoffs has been a welcome break from his usual routine).  But the most unlikable character in my mind is Jason Terry.  Maybe it’s the headband or that stupid jet move he loves to do when he’s on a roll.  Or maybe it’s his over-the-top willingness to give credit to god during his postgame interviews…or that fact that he lists Martin Lawrence as his favorite actor.  Whatever it is, I’ve never really cared for the guy.  He’s a toned-down version of what Michael Irvin represented for me back in the heyday of the Cowboys:  I never liked the Cowboys wide receiver but that didn’t stop me rooting for him while he was helping my team win.  Hypocritical, perhaps.  But as long as these characters aren’t breaking the law, I’m comfortable with such moral ambiguity when it comes to supporting my teams.  So come 7 PM this evening, I will be found happily watching and hoping from the comfort of my couch, greeting each Terry three-pointer with the same cheer that accompanies one of Dirk’s patented fadeaways.  And though I promised myself that I would undergo a bit of a cleanse following two weeks of pure decadence, I’m pretty sure I’ll help myself to a Miller Lite or three.

A Mavericks victory tonight would be made sweeter by a good showing for the Book of Mormon at the Tony Awards, which airs at the same time as the game.  Such programming logistics may force me to do the unthinkable for any self-respecting sports fan, which is surf between one of his team’s biggest games ever and an awards show for Broadway musicals.  This may strike most as counterintuitive but anyone who has seen the show and knew that the supremely talented Andrew Rannells would be performing “I Believe” will understand my dilemma.  At the very least, I highly encourage those who like stuff to DVR the awards show during the game so you can go back and catch a rare glimpse of the best Broadway musical of all time.

A Little Pre-Flight Haka

As Lizzi and I were about to board our flight bound for Sydney (from Auckland), we were treated to a little Haka dance from the New Zealand Youth BMX team.  The little guys must’ve been inspired by the fact that the New Zealand Warriors were on our flight.  For those who don’t know, the Warriors are a professional rugby league football club based in Auckland.  Judging by their gargantuan size, I’m guessing the team’s players enjoy three square meals of full grown cow everyday.  To compensate for my relative diminutiveness, I immediately began plotting my conquest of Europe.

Holy Awesomeness Batman!

Took what I suspect was my last really technical (read: complicated) exam for B-school today.  Topped things off with a productive afternoon in the office followed by an ice cold 312 brew upon arriving home.  I then got to enjoy a great home-cooked meal by the Mrs. before retiring to the man-cave where I got to flip back-and-forth between the Bulls game and the BCS championship, which is shaping up to be a doozy.  Wondering: Does it get any better than this?  Also wondering: How much does Cam Newton’s dad have on tonight’s game?

By the way, Nick Saban and Urban Meyer as halftime commentators?  Talk about two guys who can speak with authority on the topic at hand.  ESPN knows how to bring it.  Wondering again:  Does Saban remind anyone else of Joe Lieberman?  Diminutive stature, deep voice, similar facial features, and professionally opportunistic.  Two peas in a pod, those two.

Random Thoughts

A collection of musings inspired by something or other:

  • 36-7:  Wondering if New England’s Bill Belichik is thinking to himself that the Bears are exactly who he thought they were.  Somewhere, Denny Green is nodding to an empty chair and muttering to himself, “Yep.  That’s right.  Uh huh.”
  • It’s just been revealed that Wynona Ryder does not use the Internet.  Which explains why I haven’t heard anything about her since, well, the invention of the Internet.
  • The University of Miami will make Temple’s Al Golden its head football coach next year.  Golden’s career record as head coach is 27-34 in a conference nicknamed the Big Easy.  The man whom Golden will replace, Randy Shannon, had a career record of 28-22 at Miami, whose schedule is eminently more difficult than Temple’s.  A gutsy call on the part of Miami or yet another Athletic Director brain fart?
  • Watching the Cowboys game as I write this.  If there is a difficult catch to be made, Roy Williams will not make it.  And is it weird that I’m secretly hoping for DeMarcus Ware to tear Michael Vick’s head off during one of his sacks, then jog around the field with it held on high?
  • I’m ordering a bunch of mags in advance of our move back home.  Naturally, I’m beside myself with excitement, but wondering which mags to hold off on in advance of full iPad access.  Hard to thoughtfully plan when one is an early adopter.  And should I play for value (print) or the planet (iPad)?
  • Orpah says she’s not a lesbian.  Rosie O’Donnell agrees.  That settles that?
  • Juan Williams is writing a book about his firing from NPR.  He’s going to frame it as his own heroic battle for free speech.  I think it’s just another egotistical journalist who thinks people actually give a shit what happens to him or his job.  With the frequent tantrums thrown by the Williams’, Schultz’s, and the Olbermans of the world, I’ve decided that American talking heads are the media equivalent of NFL wide receivers.
  • Bowl season is upon us, an annual reminder that college football has the worst post-season structure of any sport.
  • Love Madonna’s response to Piers Morgan, who banned her from his new show because she is too boring and he prefers the likes of Lady Gaga instead: “Madonna doesn’t know who Piers Morgan is but she’s a big fan of Lady Gaga.”  Zing!

Women Are From Venus, Men Like Football…And Snow…And Cold Beers

Saw a photo today of my SIL and future BIL at a snow-capped tailgate for the Bears game.  The following conversation took place shortly thereafter, illustrating one of the crucial differences between the sexes.

Me:  That is awesome (harboring a genuine and deep regret at not being there myself).

Lizzi: I can’t believe they’re drinking cold beers!

Me: As opposed to what?  Hot chocolate?

Lizzi: Exactly! (only half-joking)

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Doing The People’s Work

In addition to being a monumental waste of time, Harry Reid’s retelling of Nevada’s win over Boise State might make for the most uninspiring football speech ever.  Whoever said charisma and oratory skills were necessary for political success was quite clearly mistaken.

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God Is A Pittsburgh Steelers Fan

Buffalo Bills wideout Steve Johnson dropped the winning touchdown in his team’s eventual loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers yesterday.  Devastated, Johnson decided to tweet his dissatisfaction with god:

I praise you 24/7!!!!!  And this is how you do me!!!!!!  You expect me to learn from this????  How?????  I’ll never forget this!!  Ever!!!  Thx tho…

I suppose it’s only natural for athletes to blame god when things go wrong just as they praise him when they go well.  I just hope god has a Twitter account (he is, after all, on Facebook…I think).  And is it just me or is the “thx tho” at the end a brilliant touch?

Meanwhile, I look forward to seeing what Johnson wants for Christmas when he tweets his wishlist to Santa.

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The Fall Of The Trojan Scrabbler

The scene was tense.  As the waning seconds ticked away on ND’s rain-soaked 20-16 victory over USC today, a Scrabble game of epic proportions was coming down to the final word.  Feeling cocky after the Irish took a surprising 13-3 lead into the locker room at halftime, I decided to challenge the Evil Trojan – some may know her better as Lizzi – to a game of iPad Scrabble.  After getting off to a dominating start, a couple of lackluster attempts resulted in a string of two-letter debacles, allowing the Evil One to settle into a comfortable lead (thanks largely to her masterful drawing out of the word “thinkers”).  This basically mirrored what was happening on the gridiron, as ND was totally dominated by the Trojans in the third quarter and found itself down by three points with just under ten minutes left.  But the Irish refusal to yield in the face of adversity inspired me to fight on until the last piece dropped.  And sure enough, just as Harrison Smith came down with the game-ending interception, a magical moment of wordsmithing genius saw me snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.  Faced with an eleven point deficit and just one letter remaining – a “B”, of all things – I spotted an “I” floating near the top left-hand corner.  In fact, it was just below one of the game’s coveted corner spots, which Scrabble players know to be one of the most valuable areas on the board.  A deft swipe of the hand placed my “B” into the aforementioned corner, spelling the word “BI” and scoring me twelve points.  The +1 bonus for being the first to clear my tiles paved the way for a monumental two point victory, a triumph I look forward to reliving each holiday season from here on out.  I can see it now – grandchildren perched atop my knee, eagerly awaiting the story of how the world righted itself one fateful day in November.  Not only did the Irish snap an eight game losing skid to USC – no doubt ushering in a new era of dominance for ND football – but the world also saw Eddy lay waste to the evil scribblings of the Trojan Scrabbler.  The vapid look of defeat pictured above looks awfully familiar from this seat!

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Just A Friendly Reminder

For all you American football fans who are suckers for a comeback story:  Michael Vick tortured and killed dogs for sport.  His impressive exploits as quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles should never be mistaken as the triumph of a man and his image.  Vick is crazy and twisted in a way that can’t be rehabilitated.  The actual follow-through may be prevented but whatever compelled him to abuse those animals in the first place will always be in his blood.

And beware what sort of side effects his growing popularity may have, something our friends over at the The Onion recently pointed out with a report citing that Vick may be getting confident enough to do something terrible again:

Every team in the league, and every member of civilized society, has seen what Vick is capable of when he’s playing like this.

But in all seriousness…go Bears!

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KG Is A DB

Quick.  Take a look at the above picture and try to come up with an insult worthy of trash talk on a basketball court.  My guess is that your cutdown will likely have something to do with the guy in the photo having a head that is smooth as a baby’s bottom.  With nary an eyebrow or whisker in sight, that’s damn near a certainty.  And being caught in the heat of battle, one might even be inclined to compare his look to that of a cancer patient.  You know, just to get a rise out of the guy.

Unless, of course, you’re Kevin Garnett.  For those who don’t know, the man in the picture is Charlie Villanueva of the Detroit Pistons.  He recently tweeted that Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics called him a cancer patient in a game last week.  Personally, I think it’s kinda lame that he took to Twitter to rat out his opponent.  And his fight challenge was even worse.  But what I find even more disgusting is Garnett’s extraordinarily disingenuous attempt at damage control.  Afraid of offending the easily offended, KG responded that he didn’t call Villanueva a cancer patient because he has way, way too much respect for those suffering from the disease.  What he really said was that the Piston forward was cancerous to his team and to the league.

Anyone who has played competitive sports knows that KG is completely full of shit.  Trash-talking is a bit of an art form, and there is no way in hell that someone of KG’s caliber would lay such an egg when attempting to talk smack.  Especially having played his high school ball in Chicago of all places.  In the basketball world, calling someone cancerous to their team and league is a sophisticated mouthful.  Calling them a cancer patient is not.  Plus, I fashion myself a rather manic sports fan, and I’ve never heard any stories about Charlie Villanueva being a dick.  So my guess is that KG is lying through his teeth while trying to walk back that dog of his.  And he’s assuming that those actually aware of the accusation have never played sports before.  Or that we’re all idiots.  Either way, he’s a douche.

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Musings On A Halloween Sunday

I started my day today in typical Sunday fashion – with a swift kick in the nuts (otherwise known as the Irish game).  After the whuppin’ suffered at the hands of the Midshipmen last week, the Irish decided to lay down again yesterday, this time at home against Tulsa.  One can be forgiven for assuming the Irish would destroy an opponent such as the Golden Hurricane – named as such because Tulsa has lots of hurricanes(?) and…er…gold(?) – but that was before god decided to smite Irish football.  Sandwiched between these past two losses was the tragic death of an ND student who died when the scissor stand he was using to film practice collapsed amid gale force winds.  Coach Brian Kelly assumed responsibility for the call to have practice outdoors that day, so we can add that horrific determination to the long list of terrible strategic decisions he’s made throughout the season.  Of course, as Barney Frank and Isaiah Thomas have taught us, strong decision-making skills aren’t prerequisites for job security, so I’m sure Coach Kelly will be just fine.  In the meantime, we’ll have to consult Pat Robertson to see why god hates his favorite university so much.  I’m guessing it has something to do with allowing gays to serve in the military, as I’m sure he really hates that.  But if that were indeed the case, wouldn’t he have wanted ND to beat Navy last week?  So maybe he’s just pissed about the enduring popularity of Jersey Shore, or the fact that the iPad doesn’t support Adobe Flash.  Either way, it’s clear he’s got it out for the Irish.  And he’s definitely not making time for all those prayers being sent his way from the grotto each week.

I decided that the Irish loss would be best forgotten with a run around the palace, where it turns out a special Halloween race was underway.  Unfortunately, the most outrageous outfit I could find was someone running with a massive sombrero and wearing hot pink tights.  I blended in nicely with my own costume, that of a pasty expat sponsored by Nike.  As I ran, I pondered some of the more interesting developments of late, including: how Mohammed is now the most popular name for newborn baby boys in England; how China now has the world’s fastest computer; and how Charlie Sheen’s compulsive whore-mongering and myriad drug-inspired arrests can be considered nothing short of impressive so long as he keeps his day job on Two and A Half Men.

Lizzi and I attended a wine dinner at a nice French restaurant in Tokyo Midtown the other night.  The event featured pre-phylloxera vines, which means they pre-date the attack of those pesky little bugs that wrought destruction over pretty much every single European vineyard in the early 1860s.  It was a delicious and educational night.  Amid all the smart wine talk, I was a bit preoccupied with knowing why – from an evolutionary perspective – the voracious louse found it necessary to insert venom into the vines as they fed from them, thus destroying their source of food.  But judging by the blank stares my inquiry received, I’m guessing this isn’t the type of stuff one is supposed to discuss at such events.  My misstep was compounded by some rather poor form when we made our exit.  As we politely bid everyone adieu, I felt compelled to tell someone whom I had just met – a culinary bigwig from Chicago, no less – to “be good”.  I have no idea why I said this.  And I have no idea why I said it again during our second round of goodbyes.  Something’s clearly wrong with me.  Here’s hoping he just assumed that I had a mild case of Tourette’s.

As I write this, the horribly hokey Mike Huckabee Show is playing in the background.  The camera just panned to the show’s sparsely populated studio audience, which can’t be any greater than thirty people.  I wonder what series of poor decisions would lead someone to be a member of that audience.  I fully expect to see Todd Margaret sitting there someday.

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RIP 2010 Dallas Cowboys

Was it just me or did anyone else enjoy the irony of Tony Romo’s latest Brett Favre impersonation?  At Minnesota, game’s on the line, waning moments of the fourth quarter, and Romo throws an ill-advised pass that is intercepted by the Vikes, which they use to convert into a game-winning field goal.  Could it get any better than that?

Meanwhile, my fantasy squad has mirrored the ‘Boys by starting 1-4.  Dutifully named “Wade’s Headset” (a nod to that inanimate object perched upon the head of coach Wade Phillips during Cowboys games), it’s only proper that I struggle to field a competitive squad by compounding poor drafting with even poorer managerial moves.  And who’s my quarterback?  Why Tony Romo, of course!

 

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The Greatest Squash Photo Ever Taken

Richard Messina of the Hartford Courant captured this phenomenal photo while covering this year’s College Squash Association’s National Team Championships.  Apparently, the antagonist in this photo – who quite clearly won the match – was so ashamed of his defilement of the “gentleman’s game” that he removed himself from the competition.

I don’t know about you, but I would love to see a reenactment of this on SNL, preferably starring Will Ferrell and Ken Jeong from the very underrated NBC sitcom, Community.

h/t JJ for the scoop.

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Three Things

That I like:

  1. Boardwalk Empire: HBO’s newest show looks tailor-made to fill the void left behind by The Sopranos, thanks largely to the magic touch of Martin Scorsese and writer Terence Winters.  It’s also fun to see Steve Buscemi get a shot at carrying his own show.  So far so good!
  2. The Office: Now in its seventh season, NBC’s adaption of the British classic has matured very well over the years.  So much so that it should no longer be compared to the British version and deserves to be recognized as a very funny show in its own right.
  3. ESPN’s Mike Lombardi: Heard the football analyst on a recent BS Report and found him to be very thoughtful and articulate.  The dude’s a football encyclopedia.  Very impressive.

That I don’t like:

  1. Fancy watches on the sideline: It always strikes me as incongruous when I see a football coach (particularly a college one) on the sideline looking sporty with khakis, a hoodie…and a nice, flashy watch.  If ever there were a time for a good old Timex, that would be one of them.
  2. Lebron James playing the race card to explain the backlash surrounding his decision to “take [his] talents to South Beach”.  Ugh.
  3. Ed Schultz:  The MSNBC talking head is turning into his network’s version of Glenn Beck, at least in the angry blowhard sense.  And he loves unions, so there’s that too.

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    No Stranger To Heartache

    I was recently told a story about a friend of a friend and it went something like this: A guy is at a bar with his buddies and suddenly realizes that he desperately needs to take a dump.  As is typical, he’s reluctant to do so but is egged on by his mates to just suck it up and git ‘er done.  So he wanders off in search of porcelain relief.  Twenty minutes later, his buddies begin wondering aloud about the whereabouts of their bowel-minded friend.  Then, as if on cue, he returns in a rather disheveled state.  With his nose bloodied and puke covering his shirt, he desperately asks his friends, “Did you see that guy!?”.  ”What guy?”, his friends ask.  ”Dude, I was sitting in the stall doing my thing and all of a sudden, some guy came crashing in, puked all over me, and then punched me in the face!”.  I’m told the story was met with a brief moment of shocked silence followed by a hearty round of uproarious laughter.  While the typical bar-going male response would’ve been to dutifully hunt down the perp and defend their friend’s honor, the absolute oddity of the situation called for hysterical reflection rather than confrontation.  With someone being so drunk as to need to barge in on an occupied stall to release the hounds, and then being so disoriented that the only reasonable response he could muster was to punch that person in the face – how could you not laugh at the absurdity of it all?

    I relay the above story – which may or may not be true – because I think it perfectly illustrates the experience of ND football this year.  The frustratingly ineffective Weis regime came to a sad but necessary end last year, and in strode Brian Kelly to relieve the overwhelming sense of gloom and doom that had come to characterize Irish fandom.  To make that analogy fit, the Kelly transition theoretically marked the relief that typically accompanies an emergency visit to a bar’s bathroom.  After a clumsy win against Purdue, ND lost back-to-back heartbreakers to Michigan and Michigan State.  During that two-game span, the Irish were overcome by a series of strange yet typically unlucky developments.  These included: QB Dayne Crist missing most of the first half against Michigan because he couldn’t see out of his right eye (I bet that was the first instance of such an injury in the history of college football); the sure-handed Michael Floyd committing two momentum-altering fumbles; Denard Robinson exploding for 500 total yards all by his lonesome; myriad drops and miscommunication throughout the Irish skill positions; ND getting called for phantom holds and crucial yet non-existent blocks in the back (see Lo Wood versus MSU); opposing wide receivers running out of bounds and then back in to score illegal touchdowns; and a game-winning play being allowed to occur despite the play clock having run down to zero (see picture above).  Let’s chalk those two very winnable losses up to the equivalent of a team getting puked on.  (Stay with me).

    Then Stanford comes in this past weekend and totally manhandles the Irish.  Jim Harbaugh’s bunch dominated that game in every respect.  Their players were bigger, stronger, faster, hungrier.  The Cardinal level of dominance was so high that a metaphorical punch in the face might not do it justice.  A more fitting analogy would involve the Irish collapsing in a heap of pain following a flurry of well-placed jabs that were topped off with an impossible – yet very fun to imagine – whopper of an upper cut and roundhouse kick to the temple that left ND splayed across the canvas, only to be followed by a dazed scramble for the bloody mouthpiece that was launched ten feet across the ring once that crucial blow was delivered.  But for the purpose of my original analogy, let’s just say the Stanford game was most definitely the punch that punctuated an amazingly unfortunate confluence of events.

    So here the Irish sit with one win and three losses.  Some solace can be taken from the fact that those three losses came against teams that are a combined 12-0 on the season.  But the fact remains that this team is just not that good.  I’m not smart enough to diagnose what it is that ails the Irish.  But having lived and mostly died Irish football for the better part of the past 25 years, here’s what I do know:  With a few notable exceptions, ND plays slow and it plays soft.  It lacks the athleticism, heart, and intensity that most of its opponents bring to bear each week.  Its defensive line play has been brutal; its outside linebackers appear to be lost and playing with cement-filled shoes; its offensive line is incapable of generating a running game; its running backs are slow, indecisive, and look like they’re running scared (save for Armando Allen, who has battled admirably this year); its cornerbacks give way too much cushion, probably because they’re too slow; its punter is woefully ineffective; and its safeties are downright mediocre (though, to their credit, they play damn hard).  Most troublesome is that Dayne Crist sometimes takes on the dreaded “deer-in-the-headlights” look, and poor Brian Kelly looks like he’s on the business end of a proctologist’s finger when the cameras pan to him on the Irish sideline.

    On the positive side, walk-on kicker David Ruffer has been superb.  Freshman Tai-ler Jones looks like the real deal and Theo Riddick seems to be adjusting to his new position rather well.  The middle linebacking corps looks solid with the emergence of Carlo Calabrese and the monstrous Manti Te’o, who as a sophomore is a complete man-child.  The Hawaiian headhunter had 21 tackles against the Cardinal on Saturday, including a couple of bone-crunching hits on one drive where he appeared to be the only Irish player awake enough to make any plays.  He is every bit of the 5-star talent that he was labeled coming in.  It’s just unfortunate that he’s mired in the mediocrity that has come to define the modern-day Irish.

    Speaking of stars, I have no idea what to make of the fact that the Irish consistently lose to teams with inferior talent (at least judging by the recruiting rankings).  Is this because the true talent pool is limited in its overall athleticism because of the academic rigor of the institution?  One would think the Stanford experience would dispel such a notion.  Or maybe it’s because past coaching staffs have been incapable of developing that talent?  Whatever the case, it’s weird.

    The above being said, I can’t help but continue to support the Irish.  Let’s face it – if this were about winning, I would’ve given up around the time Lou Holtz was shown the door.  Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment.  (I am, after all, an adopted Cubs fan).  But I just can’t bring myself to give up.  Not now, not ever.  I will always cheer for the Irish and defend them to the leagues of haters that I come across in life (and there are lots of them!).  And if there’s any reason for hope, one has to believe that Brian Kelly has the experience and judgment to turn this thing around.  All he needs is time to get his players in and his system installed.  In the meantime, however, what I’ve grown to appreciate is that much of life is about managing expectations.  And in that sense, I’m sad to report that a corner was turned on Saturday, one that will now see me go into every weekend expecting ND to lose.  I’ll always hope against hope that they’ll win, but deep down I’ll very much expect them to lose.  It’s kinda like what happened with M. Night Shyamalan: despite the atrociousness of his recent work, I just can’t help but assume that one day he’ll return to his early form.  But for now, only one refrain will ease the pain of this season: wait ’til next year!

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    Snooki Versus Sparty

    As I lament yet another ND heartbreak (more on that later), I’m thankful that I’ve got season two of Jersey Shore to help me forget about those dirty Spartans.  As expected, the new season is just as good as the first.  And though the show gives way too much airtime to the old Ronnie-Sam drama, I’ve noticed that I’m laughing out loud way more often this time around.  And it’s been fun to watch Snooki embrace her role as the clueless yet oddly charismatic and sweet house mascot.  I particularly enjoyed it when she informed us that the lesbian rate is increasing in this country because guys suck (revealed as her boyfriend was acting like a douche); and when she and Vinnie serenaded each other following another night of drunkenness (Snooki:  ”Wanna fuck?” Vinnie: “Sure”); and when she said she felt like a pilgrim from the ’20s when she was helping to wash Sam’s clothes in the sink.  On that latter point, it would be easy enough to assume she got her centuries off by about three, but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was referring to the 1620s rather than the 1920s.  Afterall, Wikipedia tells me that the first Thanksgiving dinner took place in 1621.  Atta girl, Snook!

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    Slice Of Awesome

    Reminds me of my college soccer exploits…

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    The Aftermath

    My worst fears were realized during yesterday’s heartbreaking 28-24 loss to the Skunkbears.  Not only did the phenomenal Denard Robinson slice and dice the Irish defense for a mind-boggling 502 yards of total offense (all by himself, mind you), but the Irish offense was exposed as one lacking depth at the QB position, making real the fear that this season rides on the health of Dayne Crist (who’s just a year removed from a torn ACL).  After scoring on an impressive opening drive that suggested the Irish might very well be on its way to a rather ho-hum victory, Crist was sidelined for the rest of the first half due to trouble seeing out of his right eye.  As injuries go, momentary blindness is certainly among the more stranger ones, a strangeness overcome only by its level of fright.  I’m no doctor but I’ve got to imagine that had something to do with the brain, so no one can blame Coach Kelly for holding Crist out to make sure he was OK to return.  Thankfully, Crist was able to return during the second half to help make it a game, as the Irish offense fell to pieces in his absence with Tommy Rees and Nate Montana taking turns at the helm.  Without going into detail, suffice it to say that the drop-off in ability after Crist was striking, and the Irish looked well done at the end of the first half.

    Other thoughts:

    • For all the good he did, Crist’s inability to give his receivers a chance at the end of the game was frustrating.  His inexcusable toss out of the endzone on the game’s final play serves as yet another reminder that he has a long ways to go to become anywhere near as accurate as his predecessor, Jimmy Clausen.
    • Though not obvious, I thought ND’s middle linebackers, Manti Te’o and Carlo Calabrese, played rather well.  In particular, Te’o proved highly effective against the run (13 tackles) and was even better at sniffing out some of the shorter passing plays.
    • Kapron Lewis-Moore also did a good job of disrupting things along the line.  But where was Ethan Johnson?
    • Speaking of disappearing acts, what happened to Kerry Neal and Darius Fleming?
    • Michael Floyd has had a disappointing start to the season.  After fumbling at the goal line last week against Purdue, he dropped a perfectly thrown pass from Crist in the fourth quarter to help stall yet another Irish drive.
    • While mad props must go out to Robinson for his stellar performance, I can’t help but be annoyed with the unimaginative nature of Rick Rodriguez and his coaching staff.  How rewarding can it be to run an offense that basically involves letting your QB freestyle on every play?  How much strategic insight does it take to put a wildly talented QB back there and give him a few quick passing options on each play before telling him to tuck and run if something isn’t there right away?

    At least the game ended with a touch of comedy for me.  I watched the second half of the game with some buddies at a very cool bar called Benchmark in Chicago’s Old Town neighborhood.  The combination of a great day of college football and a street festival gracing the face of Wells Street gave birth to a legion of inebriated folks wandering the area.  And so as I made my way towards Division and Wells to catch a taxi back to my hotel, I noticed a man about 50 yards ahead of me stumbling about as he labored down the street.  Clearly, this guy was hammered, and each time I see someone in this condition, I always make a mental note to avoid them at all costs.  Such a degree of drunkenness obviously suggests that their ability to reason and act rationally is severely impaired; moreover, some men are prone to belligerence when under the influence, making worse the potential scenarios that could arise.  While erring on the side of caution, I also tend to take solace in the notion that these guys are entirely too drunk and disoriented to present much of a physical threat.  Or at least that was my theory.

    Well, lucky for me, I got to test that theory yesterday.  As I approached the street corner, the clumsy drunk ahead of me had decided to take a rest by holding up the nearest building with his slumped, contorted body.  And as I waited for the walking light to grant me passage, a group of ladies passed by us and was greeted by some rather crude grumblings from the drunkard.  As they gave his overture a passing dismissal, I turned around and sort of chuckled at his outrageousness.  My momentary lapse in drunkard protocol was greeted by a slurred, “What the f&ck are you laughing at?”.  And before I knew it, he had gathered enough coordination to make his way ten feet over to me to give me a rough shove in the arm.  At this point, I’m thinking to myself, “Oh no, here we go”.  Yet I was surprisingly calm in the face of this assault.  No rush of adrenaline or fear of a beatdown.  Instead, I’m looking at this 6″3′ man who looks to be in his early 50′s and, more importantly, can barely stand.  His next move of aggression may or may not have been a swing – it all happened so fast and his movements were less than intelligible – but the end result was clear as day.  As he came in for a punch or shove, I simply performed a little sidestep and used his momentum against him to give him a mild shove in the back of the shoulder.  This graceful recall of the arts martial found our aggressor in a crumbled heap on the curb, muttering all sorts of nothingness as he struggled to balance himself on the uneven ground.  Lucky for both of us, I had had enough and chose to consider our case closed, taking his prostration as an opportunity to cross the street and hop in a cab.  Of course, it would’ve been quite easy to pummel the defenseless soul into oblivion at that point, which would’ve led to nothing but pain and remorse for us both in the thereafter.  And so as I congratulated myself for letting better judgment prevail (despite my own inebriation, no less), I also got a good chuckle while imagining what those watching must have thought as they watched the two of us tango.  Oh, the unintentional comedy that must’ve created!

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    Saturday In Chicago

    It’s cold and rainy in the Windy City today, though it’s hard to notice the weather when one is presented with a college football lineup that includes five match-ups featuring each of the top ten most successful teams in history (as measured by winning percentage).  Among those games is, of course, Notre Dame-Michigan, which looks to be played “in the elements”.  This makes me nervous, as Brian Kelly’s quick-strike offense requires a decent grasp of the football.  Meanwhile, Michigan’s offense revolves around getting its quarterback – the very talented Denard Robinson – into space and allowing him to make things happen with either his feet or his arm.  This spells trouble for an Irish defense not known for its speed and agility.  Sadly, I’m guessing the Irish lose out to the Skunkbears today in South Bend, which could mark the beginning of an unfortunate multi-game skid for my beloved Domers.  That said, Coach Kelly is nothing if not a gamer, so here’s hoping his well-advertised coaching acumen proves worthy of the challenge today.

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    The Balding Eagles!!

    I’ve obviously been out of touch for the past week or so, thanks largely to a rather busy visit back home in Chicago.  However, I’ve found plenty of time to take in the World Cup and have amassed an impressive amount of total viewing hours (thanks to the plethora of televisions dotting our offices and this wonderful little thing called Slingbox).  As I’m sure you can imagine, I’ve got plenty of thoughts on how this Cup has played out so far.  But for the sake of brevity (U.S.-Ghana is a mere two hours away), let me just say that I despise the officiating, the Jabulani, and those damn vuvuzelas.  And I love The Balding Eagles of the USA! Aside: I stole that nickname from a Tweet sent to ESPN since it perfectly fits a squad whose best players are bald (Tim Howard, Michael Bradley) or balding (Landon Donovan).

    For all my doubting, this American squad has performed so very admirably during this tournament that I can’t help but put aside my usual consternation and call shotgun on this team’s bandwagon.  Forget the lack of creativity in the box, the shocking inability to convert, and the occasional lapse in the back.  These guys are playing an inspirational, spirited brand of football that makes me proud to be an American.  Their response to myriad screwovers courtesy of some typically horrendous officiating hasn’t been to sulk but to fight.  And I love it!  Perseverance in the face of adversity is the American way and this team perfectly encapsulates that spirit.

    I just watched Uruguay’s Suarez console the Jabulani for his second goal against a worthy South Korean squad, which means the U.S.-Ghana winner will play the international version of Inter Milan in the quarters.  Here’s hoping it’s us!

    Anyone needing a little extra inspiration for this afternoon’s match should look no further than the clip below.  Save for some occasionally cheesy moments, it gave me goosebumps throughout.  And the fact that the background music is from Rudy doesn’t hurt!

    Let The Games Begin!

    My heart’s about to jump out of my chest as we count down the final 30 minutes to kickoff.  Google seems to be in the spirit, where if you look closely enough, they’ve patriotically thrown their weight behind the U.S.

    Just in case anyone needs a little inspiration to get in the mood, I’ve included a couple video clips to help move things along.  The first one is of Nike’s truly epic Write The Future commercial, which is by far the best I’ve seen this World Cup season.  This, my friends, is what a proper Cup commercial looks like:

    The following are a couple of musical nods to the big dance, with Shakira’s officially-sanctioned FIFA song leading off.  It’s taken a couple of hits, particularly among African observers, but I actually like it.  Maybe it’s because I’ll always have a soft spot for the Colombian temptress after my stint in South America back in the day, but the song is actually a decent one if you ask me.

    This second one is the adopted anthem of the Cup, which was originally recorded as a song to help raise money for victims of the Haiti earthquake.  It’s composer is a Somali cat by the name of K’Naan, whose work has caught on like wildfire in the lead-up to the big event.  Just brilliant stuff.  The below clip is from the Cup’s opening ceremonies.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go put my head through a window.

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