After a rather inexcusable few weeks away from the blogosphere, I’ve righted the ship and am now officially back in the saddle.  I’d like to celebrate my return with a couple of jokes, the first of which comes courtesy of my man JJ while the second was sent along by a B-school classmate who we’ll mysteriously refer to as Ms. Mahogany.  Enjoy!

• On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
  
  * Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
  * Two French men and one French woman.
  * Two German men and one German woman.
  * Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
  * Two British men and one British woman.
  * Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
  * Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
  * Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
  * Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
  * Two American men and one American woman.

  One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

  * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
  * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
  * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
  * The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
  * The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
  * The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island..
  * The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
  * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
  * The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey.
  However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun..
  * The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go
  shopping.

• Threat Levels

  The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
  and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”  Soon,
  though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A
  Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in
  1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
  re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the
  British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great
  fire of 1666.

  The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
  Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have
  been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

  The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
  alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France
  are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent
  fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
  the country’s military capability.

  It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

  Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to
  “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain:  “Ineffective
  Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

  The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance”
  to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher
  levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

  Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
  threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

  The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
  can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

  Americans, meanwhile, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their
  allies, just in case.

  New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to
  “BAAAA!”.  Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a
  squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
  toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more
  level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come and
  rescue us”.

  Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to
  “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain,
  “Crikey!’,  “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and
  “The barbie is  cancelled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use
  of the final escalation level.