A buddy of mine just booked his hotel for our friend’s upcoming wedding in Puerto Rico.  Upon learning that the guy with whom he booked his room was named Manuel, I was prompted to go off on the following random – but fun – tangent.  Perhaps we can consider it the Eddyfication travel manifesto.

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Who’s this Manuel character?  Sounds fishy to me, and I don’t like it one bit.  Not one bit I tell ya!

My years spent as a road warrior have taught me a few valuable lessons.  Included among them are things like:

• When in an emerging market, never drink an unidentifiable juice being sold on the side of a road and served in a clear plastic bag, no matter how cute and pleasant the old lady is that is selling it;
• Never assume the pedestrian right of way applies anywhere outside of the U.S.;
• Never eat chicken in Asia (except maybe Thailand);
• If you ever find yourself wondering if the email you’re about to send is being monitored by the government of your host country, then it most definitely is so you’d better act accordingly;
• Always say yes when a flight attendant offers you an immigration form, even if you think you’ve already filled everything out;
• The more excited someone is to give you a ride to your hotel from the airport, the less excited you should be to accept that ride;
• Unless it’s an emergency, never send your clothes for dry cleaning at hotels when a hot, steamy shower would do the trick;
• When traveling on the company dime, never expect to be thanked for taking measures to save the firm money – there’s no such thing as cumulative goodwill when it comes to expense reports;
• When possible, avoid drinking alcohol on a flight and try not to eat the food being served…i’ve found that it’s virtually impossible to maintain a buzz at 35,000 feet, the food sits like a brick in your stomach and all you can do is sit there, and the combo of alcohol and salty fare will surely leave you dehydrated – breakfast bars and water are your friend;
• Never say no when a local acquaintance or colleague offers to take you out for a night on the town, no matter how tired you may be;
• Always remind yourself that not everyone speaks English in this world and never lose patience with someone who doesn’t – remember, you’re the asshole who doesn’t speak their language;
• Always make an attempt to take some form of public transportation when in another country – it’s a great way to get a feel for the place and it’s good for the planet;
• Always assume that the woman trying to chat you up at the hotel bar is a prostitute;
• When packing, remember that jeans never get dirty so you can wear them as much as you want;
• Never exchange your currency at a shop whose sole reason for existence is to maximize its spread on such transactions;
• Never believe that the guy chatting you up on the street actually has a brother who went to school at Northwestern, and always turn down the chance to follow him back to his office (which you’ll soon find out is his shop selling crap art) so he can grab his business card for you;
• No matter how silly, never laugh at the military training rituals that you sometimes come across in foreign countries…unless, of course, that country is Japan;
• When packing your gym shoes and workout clothes, stop for a second and ask yourself if you are absolutely certain you’ll actually use them on this trip – no need to weigh yourself down unnecessarily;
• Always try to avoid checking luggage – you eliminate the possibility of lost baggage and your exit strategy from the airport is dramatically improved;
• Try to be adventurous when sampling the local fare and always remember that beer makes everything taste better;
• Never lose patience with airport security workers – not only do they have the ability to make your life more difficult, but I assure you that their lack of desire to be there at that precise moment far exceeds yours, so it’s better not to pile on; and
• Never, under any circumstances, trust a man named Manuel.