27b/6

This website – 27b/6.com – is the funniest thing I’ve seen on the Internet in a long, long time.  It’s the brainchild of an Australian writer named David Thorne, who has a wonderful gift for satirical humor.  His site is basically a collection of highly sarcastic and witty stories, some of which include actual email exchanges he has had with various people (e.g. bill collectors, his son’s teacher, etc.).  This is one of the only sites that I have read that has actually caused me to buckle over with laughter.  It is so very good.

The link I’ve posted above takes you straight to an email exchange that Thorne had with his chiropractor, who is seeking payment for a bill that is past due.  The bill is for $233.95, which Thorne attempts to settle with a drawing of a spider:

Quite naturally, Thorne values the drawing at exactly $233.95.  Obviously, the chiropractor will have none of it and a fun little email exchange ensues.  Really good stuff.

Once you’re finished with the spider story, you can spend the good part of an afternoon perusing the list of other stories he has listed on the left side of the page.  Among my favorites are “I Wish I Had A Monkey”, “Simon’s Pie Charts”, and “Blockbuster Late Fees”.

I highly recommend this site.  In fact, I give it the vaunted Eddy Guarantee.  For me, it’s become the blogging version of Arrested Development.

 

Slice Of Awesome

FlashForward

Lizzi and I recently began watching a new television series on ABC called FlashForward.  It was described to us as a mix of 24 and Lost, which sounded just fine (conceptually, at least).  Speaking of the latter, I gave up on Lost about two seasons ago – I got tired of it once I figured out that the writers had absolutely no idea what direction they wanted to take the show in, likely because they didn’t envision it lasting more than two seasons.  I’m at the point now where all I need to know is how it ended.  I’ll greet the news that it was all just a crazy acid trip of Hurley’s with a nonchalant “ah, interesting” and then never think about it again.  This would clearly fall short of justifying the endless hours we spent mesmerized by the plight of the survivors of Oceanic 815, but such is life.

Anyhow, back to FlashForward.  The story is an interesting one and certainly contains some solid potential.  The basic premise centers on an inexplicable event – a mysterious two minutes, seventeen seconds when everyone on the planet loses consciousness. While suspended in their dreamlike states, most people experienced a flashforward, during which time they each got a glimpse of their lives on a date about six months into the future (I say most people because those who saw nothing got a glimpse into their own impending mortality).

The primary characters in the show are members of an FBI team who have taken the lead in solving the mystery of the mass blackout, a puzzle piqued by the spotting of a lone, solitary character moving about a baseball stadium while his fellow sports fans lie slumped in their seats (caught on security camera, of course).  That means someone must be behind this nefarious deed!  Why the mastermind would choose to enjoy his time among the snoozers in a baseball stadium remains to be seen, but an interesting development nonetheless.

While I hesitate to embrace a plot that promises to weave in lots of headscratching moments of time-shifting (thus flying way too close to that sun called Lost), I like the unique gist of the story (which is based on a novel of the same name by Canadian science fiction writer Robert Sawyer).  However, there are a couple of things that bother me intensely about this show.  First, the acting is atrocious.  For some reason, five of the ten main characters are British actors, with only two of them actually playing a character of British origin.  This means we get to watch actors spend more time thinking about perfecting their American accents than nailing their lines, which is a painful exercise.  Most brutal on this account is the protagonist himself, special agent Mark Benford, who’s played by the very British Joseph Fiennes.  Apparently, Fiennes is a rather accomplished stage actor but his turn as an American FBI agent is truly terrible.  His portrayal of Agent Benford might be one of the worst acting performances I’ve ever seen on the small screen.  And that’s saying something, particularly when we consider the existence of shows like Reba and Walker Texas Ranger.  Beyond the brutal performances of Brits trying to speak American (hehe), John Cho, who plays special agent Demetri Noh, is equally horrendous, even in the absence of the need to fake an accent.  At the end of the day, I don’t care whether any of the characters in the show lives or dies, an ambivalence that I’m sure the show’s creators aren’t seeking (you may recall that I feel the exact same way about the characters in Grey’s Anatomy, save for the fact that I actively root against Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang).

My second gripe relates to the directing, which I suppose is magnified by my distaste for the acting.  The director loves to repeat things so much that I get the feeling he thinks I’m slightly handicapped.  It’s like he’s deathly afraid we’re going to miss some key revelation in the story, so he bludgeons us over the head with it sixteen times just to be sure we caught it.  And he loves cliches.  There are numerous over-the-top cheesy scenes in the series, including the one below, which involves one of those totally lame yet ubiquitous moments.  It involves two guys on the same team that earlier had a falling out; they later find themselves in a shootout with the bad guys; one of the good guys saves the other guy’s butt, who greets his savior with a nod of the head while bullets zoom by; and, of course, it’s set to totally incongruous music and is played in slow motion.  There should be a keystroke for P-U-K-E.  If there were, I’d be pushing it now.

Future Ray Lewis?

This is a great 30-second video showing a six year-old lay some wood during a pee-wee football scrimmage.  Hilarious stuff.  I’ve watched it about ten times and got some serious laughs out of it.  I particularly enjoyed the QB’s reaction after being drilled on the first hit (notice the legs kicking in temper tantrum fashion) and how the RB went airborne on the second hit.  Just awesome.

Slice Of Awesome – Holiday Spirit Edition

Sad But Funny

This is a funny yet slightly disturbing look at the yahoos that line up to support Sarah Palin.  Granted, one could pull a similar stunt with Obama supporters, but the vacuous nature of Palin makes this intentionally satirical series of interviews all the more poignant.  By the way, the guy interviewing everyone annoys the hell out of me.  He can’t stop swallowing/licking his lips/grinding his teeth.  I’m not sure why, but it bothers me!

The Secret Of The Secret

The below is a great post in the comments section of the Amazon.com listing of the book, The Secret.  Very funny.  h/t to Vuj for the link.

Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

Thursday Night In Seoul

I’m in Seoul, South Korea at the moment.  I’ve only been here for about eight hours but I’ve already been struck by the following observations:

  • Seoul feels much, much bigger than Tokyo.  I think it’s because of sprawl.  Nonetheless, it’s big.  And very hectic.  I get stressed out just taking a taxi from the airport to the hotel.
  • It’s really cold here, despite being on virtually the same latitude as Tokyo.
  • Korean taxi drivers are more likely to understand Japanese than English.
  • The money game is quite dumb.  The highest denomination of bill that can be retrieved from the ATM is 10,000 won, which translates to roughly $8.60 USD.  That means one has to tote around a wad of about 60 10,000 bills if a retrieval of $500 is made from the ATM.  Stupid.
  • I’m staying at the Grand Hyatt, which is where Barack Obama apparently stayed during his one-day whirlwind visit to Seoul at the tail-end of his grand Asian adventure.  What this means is I get to enjoy backed up traffic to the hotel, periodic sightings of serious-looking dudes with dark suits and earpieces, and eavesdropping on a conversation next to me in the lounge of two military guys talking about the stresses of setting up the flags that adorn the backdrop of Obama’s many international appearances.  It’s all about perspective, I suppose.

More Keillor Gold

Another great piece from our old friend Garrison Keillor, this time telling us about how he manages to appreciate art while strolling through the Art Institute of Chicago.

At the age of 67, I have stopped apologizing for looking at naked women. I don’t stand directly in front of a nude and stare at her, lest I be taken for a pervert. I stand in front of the painting next to the nude and sneak sidelong glances, but nonetheless I am moved by her. Deeply.

Thru-You

This is a pretty cool mash-up of various musicians who post their tunes on YouTube.  Someone going by the name “Kutiman” compiles these things under the moniker “Thru-You”.  It’s pretty fun.  Kinda like the YouTube version of Girl Talk.

Bye Bye Charlie

Notre Dame’s 27-22 loss last night to Pittsburgh likely represented the final nail in Charlie Weis’ coffin.  With an overall record of 35-25 as head coach, he’s basically on par with the limited success achieved by the likes of Bob Davie and Tyrone Willingham.  The Irish performance against the Panthers pretty much summed up the Charlie Weis era – another listless performance punctuated by myriad miscues, blown chances, phantom tackling and poor officiating.  On that last note, the Irish were most certainly screwed by those Big East officials.  Not only were the penalty calls massively skewed towards the Irish but the officials totally blew two replay calls that came at crucial moments in the game.  There was no way in hell that Jimmy Clausen fumbled that ball there at the end – doesn’t the fact that the ball went forward ten yards indicate forward motion? – and the stripping of an Irish timeout on that review added insult to injury.  In all seriousness, this may have been the worst-officiated game I’ve ever seen.  How these guys can get things so wrong while having the benefit of instant replay boggles my mind.

At the end of the day, though, the Irish deserved to lose that game.  And, unfortunately, Charlie Weis deserves to lose his job.  This is a bittersweet development for me, as I believe that Charlie has done a wonderful job rebuilding the program after the Willingham experiment in talent destruction.  I also believe that Charlie is a good guy who has run a clean program.  However, he’s just not getting it done on Saturdays.  So we now get to turn our attention to ND’s search for his replacement, which one can only hope is handled with more professionalism and efficiency than was witnessed with the last coaching search.

Slice Of Awesome

As part of its salute to our soldiers on Veteran’s Day, the folks over at The Huffington Post put together a heartwarming collection of clips showing dogs welcoming their owners home from stints in the military.  Really good stuff, providing yet another example of why dogs make such great pets.

My Friend, Oliver

200px-Oliver_Kahn_06-2004

As I was leaving a restaurant in the Grand Hyatt hotel last night, I passed a man who looked strikingly similar to Oliver Kahn, the now-retired German goalkeeper who may be one of the best ever to have played his position.  One of the guys who I was with walked over to the man and asked him pointblank if he was said goalie.  Sure enough, it was the man himself.  So that’s cool.

Never Trust A Man Named Manuel

A buddy of mine just booked his hotel for our friend’s upcoming wedding in Puerto Rico.  Upon learning that the guy with whom he booked his room was named Manuel, I was prompted to go off on the following random – but fun – tangent.  Perhaps we can consider it the Eddyfication travel manifesto.

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Who’s this Manuel character?  Sounds fishy to me, and I don’t like it one bit.  Not one bit I tell ya!

My years spent as a road warrior have taught me a few valuable lessons.  Included among them are things like:

  • When in an emerging market, never drink an unidentifiable juice being sold on the side of a road and served in a clear plastic bag, no matter how cute and pleasant the old lady is that is selling it;
  • Never assume the pedestrian right of way applies anywhere outside of the U.S.;
  • Never eat chicken in Asia (except maybe Thailand);
  • If you ever find yourself wondering if the email you’re about to send is being monitored by the government of your host country, then it most definitely is so you’d better act accordingly;
  • Always say yes when a flight attendant offers you an immigration form, even if you think you’ve already filled everything out;
  • The more excited someone is to give you a ride to your hotel from the airport, the less excited you should be to accept that ride;
  • Unless it’s an emergency, never send your clothes for dry cleaning at hotels when a hot, steamy shower would do the trick;
  • When traveling on the company dime, never expect to be thanked for taking measures to save the firm money – there’s no such thing as cumulative goodwill when it comes to expense reports;
  • When possible, avoid drinking alcohol on a flight and try not to eat the food being served…i’ve found that it’s virtually impossible to maintain a buzz at 35,000 feet, the food sits like a brick in your stomach and all you can do is sit there, and the combo of alcohol and salty fare will surely leave you dehydrated – breakfast bars and water are your friend;
  • Never say no when a local acquaintance or colleague offers to take you out for a night on the town, no matter how tired you may be;
  • Always remind yourself that not everyone speaks English in this world and never lose patience with someone who doesn’t – remember, you’re the asshole who doesn’t speak their language;
  • Always make an attempt to take some form of public transportation when in another country – it’s a great way to get a feel for the place and it’s good for the planet;
  • Always assume that the woman trying to chat you up at the hotel bar is a prostitute;
  • When packing, remember that jeans never get dirty so you can wear them as much as you want;
  • Never exchange your currency at a shop whose sole reason for existence is to maximize its spread on such transactions;
  • Never believe that the guy chatting you up on the street actually has a brother who went to school at Northwestern, and always turn down the chance to follow him back to his office (which you’ll soon find out is his shop selling crap art) so he can grab his business card for you;
  • No matter how silly, never laugh at the military training rituals that you sometimes come across in foreign countries…unless, of course, that country is Japan;
  • When packing your gym shoes and workout clothes, stop for a second and ask yourself if you are absolutely certain you’ll actually use them on this trip – no need to weigh yourself down unnecessarily;
  • Always try to avoid checking luggage – you eliminate the possibility of lost baggage and your exit strategy from the airport is dramatically improved;
  • Try to be adventurous when sampling the local fare and always remember that beer makes everything taste better;
  • Never lose patience with airport security workers – not only do they have the ability to make your life more difficult, but I assure you that their lack of desire to be there at that precise moment far exceeds yours, so it’s better not to pile on; and
  • Never, under any circumstances, trust a man named Manuel.

Blessing In Disguise

I’m one of those people who didn’t really want Chicago to win its Olympic bid and so took the loss as a stroke of good luck.  Sure it’s a bad thing whenever the U.S. loses an international competition of that sort, but the reality is that hosting an Olympics isn’t really all it’s cut out to be.  Besides gaining a bit of extra panache, it’s hard to identify any sustainable tangible benefits for the host city.  Instead, while city recognition may indeed get a bit of a pop, which is likely better suited for emerging cities looking to make a statement, the host city is most often saddled with an extraordinary amount of debt.  And the venues built with that debt often fall into disrepair thanks to years of underuse, begging the question of whether there was any worth to it all in the first place.  This WSJ article on the financial albatross that has become China’s Bird’s Nest stadium sums the issue up rather nicely.

A Woman Possessed

The below clip is making the rounds for very obvious reasons.  It shows a University of New Mexico female soccer player going absolutely ballistic during a match against BYU.  What amazes me about this video isn’t necessarily the thrashing that she imparts during the game, which is certainly brutal in and of itself.  Rather, I’m more amazed by the lack of action on the part of: 1) her teammates/coaches; and 2) the referees.  Clearly, her coaches not only condoned the behavior but, given their blatant inaction, may have also directed her to act in that fashion.  I mean, any normal coach would rip that girl out of the game after the second violent infraction, so it stands to reason that the coaches were more than just OK with her behavior.  And her teammates deserve plenty of blame as well, for any one of them worth their salt would’ve intervened to shut her down.

Regarding the referee, he or she should be suspended a couple weeks at the very least.  In my opinion, I’d say this person doesn’t deserve to ref ever again.  This isn’t simply a case of missing a few calls; this ref was completely asleep at the switch, allowing this nutjob to run rampant over her opponents and put several BYU players at risk of serious injury.  It’s not just a bad game for this referee, it’s one of the worst cases of successive misjudgment that I’ve ever witnessed as a long time player/fan of several sports.  And it’s totally unacceptable.  We all have bad days at the office, but this goes well beyond that.

Slice Of Disturbing

Celestial Musings

091030-tech-galaxy-composite.hlarge

This is a panoramic view of the Milky Way, which was made possible by the splicing together of 3000 photos by an astronomer from Central Michigan University.  As a refresher of its magnificence, and how our little planet is but a speck of sand on the celestial beach, our galaxy has anywhere between 200 billion and 400 billion stars.  You think that’s a lot?  Well, it’s not.  Our neighboring galaxy, Andromeda, is estimated to have one trillion stars.  To drive the point home further, consider that astronomers estimate that there are over 100 billion galaxies in the observable universe (indeed, there are limits to what our telescopes can see since some parts are likely too far away for the light to reach us).

Just stop for a second and get your head around those numbers.  Once you’ve done so, try to seriously consider whether we are special, whether anyone has a “plan” for any of us, and whether anything that happens on our tiny, inconsequential planet has anything to do with anything in the grand scheme.  I further urge you to consider how, given the law of large numbers, we could make fun of people who believe in the possibility of alien life while we simultaneously espouse the notion of a magical creator who cares about what we do with our lives and makes time to intervene when it’s deemed necessary.

Let’s put some teeth on this little brainstorm.  Going back to our neck of the woods, it is estimated that there are 100 billion planetary systems in the Milky Way (i.e. stars with planets orbiting them).  From this, astronomers have extrapolated that our universe contains roughly 10 trillion planetary systems in total.  Using our existence as a guide (one out of 100 billion), we can estimate that something like .00000000001% of planets contain life as we know it on Earth (of course, it stands to reason that we could be drastically underestimating this number since we don’t know much about 99.99% of the other planets in our own galaxy).  If we were to apply that number to the 10 trillion planetary systems across the universe, then it would seem a mathematical given that there are 100 planets in the universe that are Earth-like in nature.

This is why I love science and it’s just one of several blunt instruments I like to use whenever engaging in philosophical debate about the meaning of life or the existence of god.  I’ll take numbers and logic over man-made superstition any day.

Oh, Betty!

Just one of many reasons to love AMC’s Mad Men.  Those looking for more of Betty Draper (real name January Jones) should check out this month’s GQ.

january-jones-mad-men-cover-story-06

Tough Win

The Irish pulled off a rather predictable 40-14 victory yesterday against the Washington State Cougars.  I say predictable in the sense that the Irish were expected to dominate – which they did – and because I knew they wouldn’t totally blow the Cougars out of the water (which helped me win $30 since I took WSU +28).  For whatever reason, ND doesn’t have it in them to run up the score Tecmo-style, so I felt good about taking the points in this one.

This was a good win, if not for the sole reason that the Irish pulled off a victory without having it go down to the game’s final moments.  However, this win did not come without its cost.  ND suffered a handful of setbacks that came in the form of key injuries, including a rolled ankle for their best offensive lineman, Trevor Robinson, and a possible destroyed knee to their QB of the future, Dayne Crist.  Plus, uber-star Jimmy Clausen aggravated that stubborn turf toe injury he’s been nursing since the Michigan State game.

Luckily, Navy strolls into town next week, which should make for another fairly easy victory.  But a very tough Pittsburgh squad awaits the Irish the week after, which could spell doom for a squad looking to play its bowl game on New Year’s Day.  Plus, the Irish Spring practice period just got a lot more interesting.  Assuming Clausen jumps at the chance to make millions next year in the NFL, the Irish could literally be without a healthy scholarship QB on the roster for the critical Spring period.  Doh!

By the way, I need to say something.  I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, which means I’ve been forced to root for guys I didn’t like.  That is, through dedication to my team, I’ve had to cheer on the likes of Terrell Owens, Michael Irvin, and Deion Sanders, guys who are clearly assholes but whose talent helped my squad achieve success.  Unfortunately, I now find myself in a similar position with this year’s Irish.  Despite their immense talent, I think Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate are pricks.  They are selfish, cocky players who are in it for themselves and nobody else.  This means Clausen will no doubt follow the dollars to the NFL after the season instead of sticking it out with his team and his coach for a possible national championship run next year.  And I’m quite certain Tate will follow the yellow brick road to play major league baseball next year, which will leave the Irish – and college football – without two of the most potent offensive players in the game.  I suppose I can’t begrudge their desire to get paid, but I can lament the situation as a dedicated fan of the sport and the team.  But for their skills, I’d say good riddance!

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