I awoke this morning to the wonderful news that the captain of the Maersk Alabama, Richard Phillips, had been rescued by U.S. military personnel as his pirate-commandeered life boat floated roughly 20 miles off the coast of Somalia.  What’s even better about this is that I totally called the military procedure that should be used to free him from those pirates.  Yesterday, growing frustrated by our inability to rescue the poor guy from his Somali captors, I turned to Lizzi and said that we should just post a couple snipers on one of the nearby Navy ships and have them take out the pirates in orchestrated fashion.  I knew it would be a complicated maneuver, needing to be precisely coordinated in rough waters, but I figured it was the most feasible operation being considered.  Either that or have some Seals approach the vessel from below, but such close-quartered combat would likely run higher risks of injuring Mr. Phillips.

And sure as shit, the headline this morning read “Hostage captain rescued; Navy snipers kill three pirates”, news that I greeted with a proud, Tigeresque fist pump.  Fearing that the pirates were beginning to act erratically, and spying an AK-47 being held to the captain’s back, U.S. Navy Seal snipers, having received the green light from President Obama himself, took the nearest opportunity of visibility to simultaneously deliver three head shots that rendered the pirates dead on impact.  Three shots, three kills.  Booyah!

In addition to confirming my military genius (said in clear jest), I couldn’t help but be filled with an overwhelming sense of pride.  While there are myriad reasons to be happy to be American (despite our country’s many faults, it remains the best the world has to offer), a situation where this sentiment would be entirely unambiguous would be one in which Mr. Phillips found himself.  Can you imagine what he was thinking out there on that lifeboat as not one, not two, but three U.S. navy ships surrounded him and his captors?  Here you are, one citizen floating in the Indian Ocean, being held by Somali pirates demanding a $2 million ransom for your life, and your country brings its military power to bear on your behalf.  In the naval equivalent of the Crocodile Dundee “that’s not a knife, this is a knife” exchange, the juxtaposition of that tiny lifeboat being surrounded and dwarfed by those Navy vessels would make for a powerful photograph.  Not only would it stand as testament to our military’s dominant reach and our willingness to battle piracy head-on, but it would also help to further illustrate that America stands at the ready to defend its citizens come hell or high water.

Though we’re certainly not alone in demonstrating such bravery and dedication in defense of our citizens – French special forces launched a rescue operation of their own a couple days back – this has to be considered a proud moment for our country.  I have no idea what sort of long-term effect this will have on the growing level of piracy in the region, but you’ve got to imagine that the willingness to attack American ships has to be slightly dented by these events (though I suppose the risk of retribution runs higher in the immediate aftermath).  Whatever the result, I’ll take this moment to stand in awe of the professionalism of those Seals.  But for their flawless execution under the most extreme circumstances, this situation easily could’ve ended in much uglier fashion.  Of course, they’ll say that they were simply doing what they were trained to, but this sets a great example for all of us.  Though similar perfection is likely beyond our everyday reach, we can all take some inspiration from their actions.  Particularly these days.

This guy Ben Sherwood has a new book out called The Survivor’s Club: The Secrets and Science That Could Save Your Life.  As the title suggests, the book basically takes a look at the experiences of survivors of various harrowing events and tries to extrapolate which attributes or circumstances allowed for their survival to occur. From what I can tell, Sherwood himself has never actually “survived” anything.  But he seems like a plenty smart guy, and the subject matter can be quite fascinating, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

But the guy is starting to grate for two primary reasons: 1) he says that belief in god is critical in helping people survive life or death scenarios (I’m guessing there are plenty of atheists who have survived near-death situations whose stories aren’t being told); and 2) he appears to be a tireless self-promoter, which makes me wonder if he’s just an opportunist.  I mean, the guy is literally everywhere it seems, always popping up on talk shows whenever something goes down, or writing a blog post to help guide us through a recession or tell us what to do when a mountain lion tries to rip our face off.  He’s even got a whole website dedicated to bringing together survivors so they can share their stories, or so people struggling with any problem under the sun can find comfort in numbers.  What really puts me over the edge is the fact that Glenn Beck has a soft spot for the guy.  That’s because his book’s lessons dovetail nicely with Beck’s apocalyptic view of America’s future, which will no doubt find people huddled in their underground bunkers surrounded by lots of guns, ammo and canned food.  And, of course, a dog-eared copy of Sherwood’s book.

What set me off on this rant was one of Sherwood’s timely posts following yet another horrific development.  After some psycho decided to kill a bunch of people at an immigration center in Binghampton, NY, Sherwood quite naturally popped up over at Huffington Post to – you guessed it – tell us all what to do when we find ourselves in a similar situation.  What bothered me were the instructions we were given should we find ourselves in a room with a nutjob who is trying to shoot everyone.

1. Escape (if you can).
2. Cover (find protection behind an object that will stop a bullet; look for chances to escape, especially during reloading).
3. Hide (then look for opportunities to escape.
4. Play dead (and look for ways to escape).
5. Attack the attacker (as a last resort, catching him by surprise or from behind).

And so I ask you, dear reader, what in the above is not obvious to anyone born with natural instincts?  Seriously, do you need to be reminded that your first instinct should be to try to get away from the attacker?  And I love the extra help he provides in parentheses.  Escape (if you can) should’ve been followed with a 1b. Don’t escape (if you can’t).  Attack the attacker by surprise or from behind (as opposed to asking for his permission, I suppose).  And he continuously reminds us to keep looking for ways to escape.  As if we’re going to stop thinking about escaping when the first attempt proves impossible!  Does he really think he’s teaching us anything with this?

In a classic “oh, the gall!” moment, rapper Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to two felony charges for allegedly beating his girlfriend, pop singer Rihanna.  Judging by what I’ve read and the pictures I’ve seen, there doesn’t seem much doubt that Brown did punch, bite and choke Riahanna during a fight over a text message.  Not only was the deed itself despicable – and, by the way, Rihanna told police this wasn’t the first time – but Brown’s refusal to own up to it is enough to make one’s head explode with irate frustration.  Clearly, the guy is a scumbag of the first degree, and here’s hoping he receives his karmic due at some point.  What’s even scarier is that Rihanna has gone back to him, even pushing to keep him out of jail.  This type of behavior among battered women is apparently commonplace, which is sad not only in the instance but also in the message it sends to our country’s youth.  As the NY Times pointed out in a recent piece, a shocking number of kids participating in a study actually blamed Rihanna for the attack.  Not only giving Brown a pass on his behavior is bad enough, but blaming the victim?  Brown could help correct this warped response by owning his demons and affirming the notion that this is not acceptable behavior under any circumstances.  Instead, he’s attempting to exploit his fame, and the misplaced forgiveness of a broken woman, to get a free pass.  Clearly a coward, I suppose we shouldn’t expect much in the way of courage from him anyway.

Did you know he was once married to Padma Lakshmi?  In case you don’t know who she is, click on her name or watch the clip below.  I’m not sure whether I’m more impressed with the idea that Rushdie was once able to frolic in the nude with her or more horrified that he actually let her get away.  Wow.